|Written by AnDroid|
|Thursday, 17 September 2009 16:20|
I met Alice on MySpace. I suppose that should have raised some red flags, but considering the kind of behavior I was engaging in back then, I honestly don't think I knew what a red flag was. Besides, it's not like I was actively looking for girls on MySpace. She just saw me commenting on her friend's page and mistook me for an old high school buddy. It was all very innocent. Our mutual MySpace friend was Kat, whom I'd known since I was fourteen. She'd since become a professional dominatrix and was living in Salem. Alice lived in Portland, and I'd only recently moved here, so after explaining to her that I was not, in fact, her old high school pal, I suggested we get together sometime anyway. She told me there was going to be a party at her house soon and that I should come.
A few nights before Alice's party I was hanging out with a few of my roommates at a bar across the street from our place. I was sitting at a table with Marko and Laurel when I got a call on my cell phone.
“Hey! Is this Drew?” a girl asked, her voice deep and sultry.
“Yeah,” I said.
“This is Alice!” she said, and she started giggling for some reason, and I heard a rustling sound and a muffled “Oh my god!”
“Hey Alice,” I said. “What's goin' on?”
She exhaled loudly before responding. “Uh, hey. Sorry, I'm not sure why I'm calling you right now. I don't really have a reason. I'm at Kat's house.” In the background I heard Kat yell, “Don't hang up!”
“Oh. In Salem? Okay, well it's, uh, good to hear from you,” I said. Marko and Laurel were looking at me, so I shrugged and whispered, “It's that chick from MySpace.” I stood up and began pacing around. “You've got that party at your place this weekend, right?” I said.
“Yeah, my birthday party,” she said, breathing heavily. “Today's my birthday,” and she began giggling again.
“Oh shit! It's your birthday? Well happy fuckin' birthday, man!”
“Thanks! I -uungh! Oh god! What the fuck?!” There were more rustling sounds, and I heard muffled voices screaming “Don't fucking hang up!” and “Oh my god, it's too big! Holy shit!”
“Well...” I said. “It sounds like you and Kat are busy right now. What are you guys doing, anyway?”
“Oh god, I'm sorry. I don't know why I called you. Oh my god! Oh my god! Holy shit!” For a while I heard only guttural sounds, yelps, and heavy breathing. Then, between gasps, Alice said, “This is going to sound weird, but Kat's fucking me with an enormous dildo – oh god! – and her boy-slave is sucking on my nipples!”
“Jesus! Uh... should I... let you go?” I said, but Alice didn't respond with anything intelligible. All I heard after that were animal sounds. I raised an eyebrow to Marko and Laurel, who were looking at me inquisitively, then I darted into the restroom, where I locked the door and masturbated furiously with the phone pressed to my ear.
Alice was still screaming when I finished. I cleaned up, walked back to the table and said, “Listen to this,” and handed the phone to Laurel.
“What's going on, dude?” Mark said, and then Laurel said, “They hung up,” and gave me back the phone.
“I totally just masturbated in the restroom,” I said, and I downed my beer.
Ten minutes later I got another phone call. It was Kat. “Alice is going to drive to where you are, pick you up, and take you to her place. Then you two are going to have sex, and she's going to give you a ride to work in the morning.”
I was waiting outside when Alice pulled up. She was much bigger than her MySpace pictures had lead me to believe – that would explain why they were all taken at sharp angles and heavily Photoshopped – but it was a non-issue for me, because I appreciate large women. Five minutes later we were making out in her bedroom, and I dropped my pants.
“Oh – hold on,” she said, and she pressed play on the boombox.
I stepped out of my jeans and we continued making out, collapsing onto the bed together. Then it hit me. “Wait a minute,” I said. “Is this the music from Zelda: A Link to the Past?”
“Yes!” she said, masturbating my erection. “Oh my god! I can't believe you knew that!”
“Who wouldn't?” I said, and we were both laughing even as we began to fuck.
A month later I found myself living with Alice, my clothes stuffed in a duffel bag in the corner of her bedroom. Things went downhill pretty quick after that.
Eventually Marko and I found a nice little apartment with a couple of roommates in Southeast Portland to live in. I fell in love with Kimbot, whom I am still with, and I told Alice we couldn't fuck around anymore because I was seeing someone monogamously. I figured that would be the end of it, but Alice had secretly “friended” literally everyone I knew on MySpace, and I later found out she'd been maintaining regular dialogue with all of them as if they were her best friends. She'd even gone as far as sending letters and packages to a friend of mine who'd moved to Florida.
My friends all loved Alice, and why wouldn't they? She was friendly, willing to do anything at any time, and she gave them gifts. She was appalled when I broke it off with her, and she started spending all of her spare time with my roommates. A friend of mine visited from Boise, and he'd never met Alice in person, but he'd made her a necklace. She blew him on my couch.
Then she started fucking Marko. They'd be in his bedroom with the door shut doing who-the-fuck knows what, and I'd be in the kitchen with Kimbot, bawling because my mom was dying of cancer, and I'd get text messages from Alice saying, “I miss you,” and, “I wish we could hold each other.”
She nearly destroyed my friendship with Marko and put a serious strain on my relationship with Kimbot. Finally, a little more than a year after meeting her, I ended up having to threaten Alice with a restraining order. That was the last time I ever spoke to her.
I don't use MySpace anymore, and I don't recommend you use it, either, but remember this one thing and remember it well: If you do hook up with someone on MySpace, you'd better damned well make sure it's a one-night stand, and the next morning, no matter how good the sex was, you delete that fucker immediately.