Listen, porn theaters aren't for everyone. I should just come out and say that right off the bat. Yeah, they're a little creepy. But hey – so is church. I think it's fair to say that both of them – porn theaters and churches, that is – serve as an important outlet for individuals of a particular taste. You might be one of those individuals and not even know it yet. You may even enjoy going to both. That's fine. Personally, I think masturbation and prayer can both be done just as well at home (not that I do much praying), but I also understand the appeal of doing them in an open forum where you're surrounded by like-minded people, where you can always depend on an encouraging word and a friendly, um... handshake.

Like many people my age, I first learned about porn theaters as a young child, when my favorite TV personality, Pee-Wee Herman, was arrested for masturbating in an adult theater in Sarasota, Florida. I remember seeing his mug shot in the newspaper and saying, “That's not Pee-Wee,” after which my mother gave me a pained look and told me that yes, yes it was Pee-Wee. The poor bastard.

Being under 30, I grew up as part of a generation that doesn't really understand the concept of porn theaters, because we've had access to porn on the internet since we were too young to be looking at it. When adult movie theaters first became popular in the 60's and 70's, they would have been the only reasonable way for most people to see pornographic movies. Then the 80's rolled around, and the VCR was invented, and they began shutting down. By the time the 90's hit there were very few adult movie theaters left. Two of them remained in Portland: The Oregon Theater and the Jefferson Theater, which has since been replaced by the Paris Theatre.

In order to understand the relevance of porn theaters in the modern world, you have to understand that a kind of erotic subculture has developed within these places. Now, you may be asking, “Doesn't masturbating with a bunch of dudes seem kinda gay?” Well there you've answered your own question. Not that all of the guys who go to porn theaters are gay – and don't fool yourself, the vast majority of the patrons are guys. But even if the movie playing on the screen is straight porn, all you have to do is look in any other direction to see a bunch of dicks and gay sex. Also, if you're masturbating in a porn theater, you automatically become part of the show, so no matter how straight you are, you're at the very least participating in another guy's gay fantasy.

But hey, it's not gay if you don't return the favor, right? The truth is many of the guys who go to these theaters are probably married or are otherwise stuck in a situation where they're desperate for release. When men become horny and desperate, labels like “gay” and “straight” become far less important than “penis” and “hole.”

Of course, every now and then a guy is able to convince/pressure his girlfriend or wife into coming to a porn theater with him. There are roped-off areas reserved for straight couples at both of the theaters in town, so the women are at least out of arm's reach of the general public. What happens when a couple enters the theater is every guy in the room crowds around the perimeter of the roped-off area and stares at them, masturbating openly while they eagerly watch the couple's every move. Gay men join in the crowd, as they've learned over the years that straight men are more likely to allow another guy to give them a hand job if they're looking at a woman while it happens. This is part of the subculture I mentioned earlier.

Most couples get freaked out and leave shortly after they arrive, either to go home and fuck or to have a raging argument in the car that will likely end in tears and heartbreak. Occasionally, though, a freaky swinger couple will whip off their clothes and go to town, possibly even inviting members of the crowd to join in. At this point, not a single person is watching the porn on the screen, because the theater has clearly crossed the line and become a sex club, which is essentially what it was to begin with.

Luckily, laws are different here than in other shitty states like Florida. There are no Pee-Wee Hermans getting arrested at adult movie theaters in Portland because, like our swingers clubs and bathhouses, our porn theaters provide a temporary membership to a private club where the patrons are free to express themselves sexually in any way they choose, as long as it's consensual.

This cuts to the heart of why porn theaters are still relevant in today's world. It's not about the porn at all. The porn is irrelevant. They could be showing old Star Trek episodes. These theaters simply provide a venue for adults to connect with each other. We go to porn theaters for the same reason we go to bars rather than drinking at home: We want the possibility of social contact with other human beings, even if it's simply a brief moment of eye contact or a nod of the head, because it sucks to feel alone in the world, filled with private shame while sinning in solitude.